NORTH POLE—Santa Claus is using new blockchain technology to ensure that every Tickle Me Elmo and Glimmies Glimtern is legitimate and to prove he’s making his predawn Christmas delivery windows.
Because every participant in the blockchain has visibility into every transaction, Santa is using the technology to verify that every present coming out of his North Pole Workshop was indeed made by his band of tiny elves and not sourced offshore from slave elves. Santa is also using blockchain, a digital ledger technology that records transactions chronologically and publicly, to track the status of children suddenly added to or removed from the Naughty List.
Not everyone is happy with the new technology, however. Paul “High Pockets” Tendergrass, a toymaker’s associate at Santa Inc. for the past 34 years, says blockchain will undermine his freelance efforts to fulfill last-minute wishes. In the past, Tendergrass or one of his colleagues would sneak below the 66th parallel and buy out the clearance items from one of Mrs. Claus’s outlet stores.
“Do you think when some kid comes off the Naughty List at the last minute, we’ll have time to make his NERF Rival Nemesis MXVII-10K Blaster from scratch?” he says. “You have to improvise, and this kind of technology thing just inhibits our…let’s just call it creativity.”
Tendergrass insinuates that blockchain could also have unintended consequences for the most vulnerable among us. “It would be too bad if Little Timmy didn’t get his Tonka truck on time, wouldn’t it?” he says.
Other Virtues
A statement from Santa says his Workshop is using blockchain “to guard against unsavory production practices.” Moreover, any child on the blockchain can verify that he or she is in good standing on the Nice List, and even see a digital certificate from the designating authority.
“Because blockchain transactions have to be validated by other members of the blockchain, multiple parents have to verify that a child has been added to the Naughty List, and once this occurs, all parties on the blockchain are notified,” Santa said.
Furthermore, items on children’s wish lists cannot be removed—another quality of blockchain is the immutability of records—which means Nice children are assured that Naughty siblings won’t cross items off their lists or switch recipients.
Finally, recipients will be able to trace the provenance of their gifts—from the parts used in production all the way through to the final delivery—as the sensor-enabled Santa sled transmits itemized delivery receipts to the blockchain on its way across the night sky on Christmas Eve.
Blockchain is also likely to put a damper on certain unscrupulous moonlighting activities. Sources say Tendergrass is known to have worked during the summer at sweatshops, whose products built with substandard parts are suspected of ending up in Santa’s inventory during the December crunch time.
Tendergrass denies the allegation and the suggestion that such a practice is motivating his anti-blockchain stance. “I would never condone the use of knockoffs,” he says.
Another potential victim of the blockchain: inveterate regifters, since recipients will be able to identify when a gift they receive had been intended for someone else.
A spokesman for Santa’s Workshop admitted that some elves were concerned about how the new technology would affect their careers. “We’re going to address their concerns respectfully,” he said. “I’m sure they’ll feel more comfortable when they see how it validates their work. And everyone will go to bed a lot more peacefully on Christmas Eve, knowing that they’ll be able to prove it if Santa misses his delivery window—which never happens.”
Michael Hickins is a director of strategic communications at Oracle.
